Note: This is a story I wrote around 1991 as a spoof of really bad "vanilla" Internet porn. Hope you enjoy it. *g*
I work for a computer firm in Seattle. The area is beautiful, nice and green from all the rain we get up here. I like it here, but being a single male in a neighborhood full of families, it gets pretty boring too. One Friday night not too long ago, I decided to go out. There's a sports bar near my house; I figured if nothing else I could watch the Mariners lose.
I walked into the bar, the place was crowded, people were everywhere. Women, men, some attractive, some not so attractive, some..oh never mind! Then from across the room, a woman approached me, a gorgeous woman with nice firm breasts, a tight ass accentuated by the short skirt she was wearing, high cheekbones, blue eyes, long dark hair, about five foot eight or so. I could tell she was ready for some action. Our eyes met, I knew this was the woman I'd been waiting to meet for so long! She said "What'll you have to drink?"
After ordering a beer, I sat down to watch the Mariners. Sure enough, they were losing (8-0 in the fourth inning) and things were getting ugly. People were yawning (the few actually watching the game) and it was obvious they figured the game was over. I noticed a phone number etched in the table, which said "For a good time call Bubbles at 679-8075." Then I realized that was the number for the local bottled water company. Someone trying to get free advertising! "What's this world coming to?" I thought.
Besides the game not much was happening, outside of the fight going on in the other room, some drunk guys singing college fight songs in time to the disturbance, a few placing bets on how bad the Mariners would lose, and guys trying to hustle women. In other words, just a typical night. I decided to leave and as I left, the waitress said "Come again." I thought "heheh, that's what he said.. ar ar ar."
I decided to check out another bar in town that featured female mud wrestling, definitely a spectator sport more interesting than baseball. No "three strikes you're out" stuff here! After I paid a hefty fee to get in, I walked inside and got a table near the front of the bar. There was a big pit there, and dirt and water were being poured in it. Then two women came out and started going at it!! Then they stepped into the pit. *g* They started wrestling in the goo and pretty soon they both were covered with it. "All right!" I thought, "this is gonna be good!" The mud started flying and I thought "Hey someone's gonna get hit!" At that moment, I heard a loud SPLAT! I looked down and my shirt was covered with mud. I wasn't happy at the thought of driving home with a muddy shirt and having to clean off all that sludge. YECCCHHH!!!
The two women stopped and ran over to me. Both of them were pretty good-looking. One of them was in her twenties, brown hair, decent looking body. She told me to go in the back room, where she helped me clean off some of the larger mud patches. She said she had to go back out front, but asked me to wait for her back there. About 10 minutes later, the "match" was over and she returned. "Hi," she said, "My name is Lori. But my friends call me Lori." I excused her lack of intelligence as an occupational hazard and we exchanged in small talk for awhile. I asked her if she needed to go back out front, but she shook her head. "My partner Janice isn't feeling too good, so we stopped. Besides, I kinda like talking to you better." Needless to say, I was feeling better about getting the mud on my shirt! It quickly became obvious there was an attraction (either that or I was just plain horny!)
I decided to take this floozy, er lady home. After she cleaned up, the drive took about 15 minutes. Her house had a definite feel to it. I would describe the atmosphere as late 1960s poverty. Kinda reminded me of the place I had in college; what made me feel especially nostalgic was the lack of furniture. I noticed she also had exquisite taste in beverages. "Want some Annie Green Springs wine?" she asked. I hadn't had any for years. The stuff was so bad it always made me throw up every time I'd had it in the past. I tasted it, yep stuff still tasted awful.
"So, how long have you lived here?" I asked. "Oh about six months. I'm thinking about getting furniture so when my friends come over they don't have to sit on the floor," she said. "Good idea," I thought to myself. "Yeah I like it here. There's some privacy, so when I walk around naked, nobody's watching. Though that might be kinda fun, knowing somebody's watching me!" she grinned. I almost spilled my drink when she said that.
She must have noticed because she smiled and said "I grew up in a liberal family. We beleived nudity was natural and that sex was also a natural thing. I had my first experience at 16, it was wonderful, I saw a dog." She put her hand on my arm and said "I believe sex can be the most beautiful thing two people can give to each other." She moved toward me and then yelled "Ouch!" "What's wrong?" I asked. "Oh just an old roller derby injury. My arm gets stiff every once in awhile." she said. "That's not the only thing stiff right now," I thought to myself while pondering what she meant by an old roller derby injury. "Anyway," she continued, "when I saw you walk in tonight, you struck me as the type that would understand that. And when we accidentally flung that mud at you, I figured that would be a good time to break the ice. In fact, let me take that shirt off you and put it in the washer." Before I knew it, she had my shirt off and was running her fingers up and down my chest.
The room was spinning (must have been that cheap wine). I had an idea of what would happen next, but I was too startled to do anything. Maybe it was the cold floor, I don't know. All of a sudden, she took her shirt off, saying that way we were even. She was beautiful (and her tits weren't bad either). She had on a black lace bra, which accentuated her light body even more. I felt the room getting hotter, my blood pressure going up higher, and I started breathing harder. She must have noticed, because she whispered in a sexy voice, "You must not be feeling well. I know how I can make you feel better." "What a line," I thought but at that point, I didn't care. She took my hand and led me into her bedroom. Fortunately, it was well furnished, but the "1989 Telemarketer of the Year" award sitting on her shelf didn't make me feel any better.
By this time, I had all these questions in my head. How can this woman be so mature about sex and at the same time be such an idiot? Why isn't the front room furnished? How did she get all these strange jobs? Where the hell is this story going? I quickly forgot all these questions when she reached over and gave me one of the wettest and slowest kisses I've ever had. I felt all inhibitions melt as she lowered her hands and undid my pants and underwear. "Oh you have a nice one." she said. "Let me show you what I have." She undid her bra doing a slow striptease. Then off came her pants and panties. She was indeed quite beautiful naked, even if she had no brains.
I walked over to her and we fell down together on the bed. "I don't go chasing after guys very often. Only about once a week or so." she said. "Uh-oh," I thought, "what if she has a STD? Oh SHIT, I don't have any rubbers!" Just then she pulled out a package of condoms, a brand I'd never seen before. "GLOW IN THE DARK Condoms," said the package. "All my lovers use these," she said. "That way, they can see their way to the bathroom after we finish!" There were different colors, red, white, blue, orange, and so on. I chose green, after all I'm Irish. After putting the condom on, I noticed her starting to chew some gum.
I ignored this and started kissing her, first on her lips, then her chin, then her neck. As I started down her neck, she threw the gum away. I ducked to avoid being hit by the gum and then continued my way down her valley of loveliness. I spent some time playing with her gorgeous tits, licking and sucking them. From her moans of pleasure, it was obvious she enjoyed what I was doing. I really enjoyed playing with her nipples. What momentarily distracted me was the tattoo of the state of Oregon on her left breast. I have fond memories of my days in Oregon and I started getting sad that they had to end. But I quickly remembered my real reason for being there and continued on.
I continued on down her body (can you actually believe I'm writing this trash?) until I arrived at her beautiful pussy. It was nice and hairy, just the way I like them. She moaned her approval, as I started tonguing her. I felt her pussy getting wetter and wetter. she was moving and gyrating every which way but loose! I felt her come and then she pulled my face up to her and she said, "Put it in." I wasn't sure what "it" was, but I found out as soon as she grabbed my cock and eased it into her cunt. It felt so nice and slippery. We soon began a steady rhythm, in and out, in and out; well you get the picture. I was real hot by this point, so I knew I wouldn't hold out very long. I felt myself about to come, so I yelled out and she did the same. "AHHHH...OHHHHHHH..CHEEEEEESSSSEEE!" (so I talk funny when I come, you wanna make something out of it bucko?).
After I came, we held each other. I decided to use the bathroom. Yes the "glow in the dark" condom did help me see. But not well enough unfortunately. She forgot to tell me about the box in front of the bathroom that she hadn't put away. I fell over it with a loud thump. "Oops, sorry!" she said. After I'd finished my business in there, I limped back to bed. I finally summoned up the courage to ask her how she got into mud wrestling. "Oh I just kinda fell into it, she sighed. "Besides I meet some really interesting people this way. Last week I met this guy who had a 10-inch dick and ..." I quickly interrupted her because I didn't want to hear the rest of that story! So we lay there and drifted off to sleep.
I awoke the next morning and she cooked me breakfast (did a good job too), then I went on home. I still see Lori once in awhile, though now I'm chasing after an aerobics instructor at my gym who has promised me the "ultimate workout." She hasn't told me what she means by that, but she has been real nice to me lately. But I know anytime I want to get "down and dirty," I can still look up Lori.
© 1991 LordSaber